Let's start this week out right

It's 2:17 a.m. and I'm wide awake, of course, trying to figure out what went wrong. I mean, I got up early enough(ish)...I worked hard today (kind of) and I partook in relaxing evening activities to settle myself for the "in bed" routine. I should be out like a light. Alas, I am not and have decided that these helpful hints would have come in handy today, yesterday and my entire life. However, just because I point them out for your convenience doesn't mean I'll ever be smart enough to actually listen to them in the future. Please enjoy while I sit back wishing I had a friend like me, this smart and willing to share.

1. Wash Yo' Hands - I have Ebola, er, or something. Whatever it is I am producing snot like the world is just gonna plum run out and we'll have nothing to grease door knobs with. And why am I sick AGAIN for the ninetieth time this month? According to my boss at the daycare, I didn't catch it there. Excuse me while I inspect your M.D. from the College of Crap but I think I did ma'am. Kids, while seemingly healthy and happy at any given moment, are petree dishes of jam and germs. That child doesn't look sticky? He is. That child doesn't look sick? He's carrying a disease on him in the fat crevices of his rolly polly arms so that when he is crying INCESSANTLY over something like dropped watermelon or socks that have fallen off and you go to pick him up it rubs on you and since you don't have fat, crevicy arms it has no choice but to run straight up to your face and find the fastest hole into your body. It will infect you. You will die. Please wash your hands so you're not three boxes of tissue into your morning with no end in sight. Someone buy me a cork for each nostril, puh-lease.

2. No Coffee After Noon - What the F is wrong that I can't have my delicious Starbucks at 12:13 on my way home from the tanner? (God, I sound so Orange County House Wife, please ignore last sentence.) 11:59 and I'm golden, in fact, I'm a groggy, worn out, crashed from my caffeine mess by 3 but Heaven Forbid I should have a sip after that or I will be inevitably wired until 4 pm the next day. Why do you curse me so Skinny Vanilla Latte with extra foam?? WHYYYYYY??!?!

3. Do Your Homework - yes, this apparently still applies after the age of 12. It's like, you haven't learned your f'ing lesson around here yet? If you wait until the last minute you will be pulling your hair out by the roots, staring at text that makes absolutely no sense and figuring out how you can change your major to something less demanding like Ruler Making by the time this assignment is due. Also, don't ever volunteer to head up projects for your group. It doesnt get you bonus points into heaven and it sucks so please skip. Look for old ladies crossing the street instead, Jesus loves that crap.

4. Avoid blogging - it's only procrastination in disguise. DOH!

clearly, this is all YOUR fault, distracting jerk blog. Where the hell is my kleenex?

Hey, that was sweet of you

I don't know who recently bought me a subscription to Time magazine. It just showed up on Saturday with Michelle Obama on the cover, like a perfect little present waiting to educate my mind. I LOVELOVELOVE Time magazine. I don't know why. Most of it I can't understand. Like an entire article this month on the silent war against the Taliban. What? WTF is a Silent War? WHO CARES! I can just turn the page and hear about how awesome it was Mrs. Obama wore a cardigan to meet the queen. Ballsy. Impressive.

So here's a special thank you, to you, whoever you are. I love Time. You're my new best friend. Completely gratuitous.

Love, Ash

P.S. If in fact no one bought me Time and on one of my many different debit/credit cards I'm being charged an absurd amount that I won't discover for another six months when they've already sucked 75 dollars from me I'll never see again, then please ignore this post. What I meant to say is "Eat it T.M. I hate you bloodsucking magazine salesman and I hope you die. This wasn't worth reading about a cardigan for, Mrs. Obama's or not."

I guess only Time will tell...get it? TIME will tell??? HA!

Unbelievable

Today I substituted for an eighth grade math class in what can only be described as the "Kids with a Short Bus Problem" classroom and this one kid was all,
"Hey teacher whats your real name?" and I'm like, "Ms. Earp" and he's like, "No, your REAL name."

So I'm all "Just call me Ms. Earp" and then he says "Fine, substitute, did you ever do drugs?" and of course, I'm horrified. How do I even respond to something like that? So I say, "That's an inappropriate question, please do your work" and then HE SAYS "Well, I'm just saying I'd do blow off your ass."

OH. IS THAT ALL YOUR SAYING?

And then I had to send him down to the office. This is after, of course, I sent down the kid who opened up a wound on his hand to WIPE BLOOD ON ANOTHER KID FOR NO FREAKING REASON. Do you know how much paperwork is involved when one kid bleeds on another ON PURPOSE???

I'm exhausted. I'm never going back to that classroom ever again in my entire life forever and always never, never, never and also, no, it's not happening. I also am changing my career track to something less likely to cause me to commit suicide. Like professional shoe buying. Icecream taster. What's the job market for people measurer these days? And by People Measurer I totally mean someone whose sole job it is to just measure people's height. All day long.
After which I'll kindly pat those on the head the people who are shorter than me. All condescending like. Cause I can!