I'm alive. I know you were all very worried. However, fear not because I'm up and moving and even though I've only showered once in the last week and resemble the crypt keeper more than myself, I'm still me.
So surgery went very well, from what I remember. I mean, I recall being extremely nervous and every body coming in one after the other to tell me everything would be fine and yet, they also kept asking me my name and my birthdate which only led me to believe that no one knew who the hell I was. THAT is not very comforting when you're about to be cut open. Also, they made me wear some crazy tight socks and a very ugly hair net but ugly attire aside, it went off without a hitch.
So I slept. I don't remember the moment I woke up when I almost choked on my toast. I don't remember giving my mother directions home when she clearly should have been using the Garmin instead. I don't even remember Scott helping me inside or much of the ride back to Detroit. I've been in a haze of medicine but it's been good.
OH. So one interesting thing that happened was my doctor like tied my ovary to my stomach wall. Apparently, the doctor had to do a lot of cutting inside and so when he went to put everything back where it belonged, he couldn't because it would heal in these freshly cut areas and....stick. Gross. So, instead, he like created a loopy harness for my ovary and lifted it up and tied it to my stomach wall with a stitch that came OUTSIDE my body and was tied in place.
With a button. Like, a coat button. Yes. And so I had to go to a different doctor yesterday and get that removed and she was obviously worried but she did it anyway and I am currently buttonless. At one point, however, I was being held together with buttons and string. Literally. And that's awesome.
Today? It's my only day really clean and coherent in town so I'm going to get a coffee and catch up with Linsey and then celebrate Trumble's birthday tonight at his brother's house. ALSO I'm super stoked because I got lost three times last time I drove home a few weeks ago trying to get to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Scott promised me yesterday that we could go tomorrow on the way back to Pitt. score.
Home officially March 16th. Beth and Matt came by last night with thai food and giggling (well, more Beth than Matt but we'll forgive him.) and it was obviously just a precursor to the wonderfulness that living within four miles of her will be. Outstanding.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Weekend Round Up
I've been trying so hard to get my act together. All weekend long, sitting in my sweatpants and drinking joe saying to myself "You will get up. You will take a shower. You will stop googling things about the Academy Awards." Alas, it is sunday night and I still don't have any more boxes for moving, groceries for eating and I have an odor. C'est la vie.
I did have an interesting day while running errands because what started out as a grocery shopping trip ended in a weird sort of run in at the check out line. I had to go get some medicine for my surgery I have to take tomorrow (alright. Bowel prep. I had to tell the cute 20something pharmacy tech behind the counter, I might as well tell you) and I'm standing in line with a loaf of bread, this medicine and some sprite zero. So I'm at the self scan...you know, something that is supposed to be quicker but actually isn't and only ends with some random couple actually at the lane with you, putting their stuff on the machine before you're even finished.
I was like, "Oh...hi...I'm almost done" and he's like, "oh that's fine, here you dropped your keys." Ok, so now I'm becoming increasingly more flustered and dropping everything...iPod, purse, wallet, bottle of embarassing medicine. And then, I look up as he's like, collecting my shit and see that he's with his terminally ill cancer patient wife, complete with no hair and head wrap.
So I'm feeling...I don't know, guiltly rushed now because she doesn't have a lot of time (ugh, is that a terrible joke? I think so.) and trying to check out and put my dollar in and am dropping my change (which he's like...helping me put in the slot as I drop it because THAT'S how close he really is to me now) and his wife says, kind of bitterly I might add, "Wow, you're really helpful today Jim, aren't you?" And then Jim, apparently, replies, "Well, God's watching." Ok, awkward, this is obviously a marriage moment I shouldn't be a part of and THEN she rounds it off with "Yeah, but the real question is what are YOU watching?"
SO I believe I've caused a rift in that marriage simply by being slow. I was wearing sweat pants for God's sakes, what could he possibly have been looking at? Ugh, the whole thing was terribly embarassing HOWEVER not as embarassing as my one night out the entire time I've lived in Pittsburgh where a gay dude made fun of my outfit and was rude and I ended up going home after only two hours and three beers. Whatever. I'm not much of a partyer anyway I guess.
In other news, I got a bikini wax. Normally, that's not something I'd share but since we're in a "bowel prep isn't too taboo" mood, I might as well just let it all go because frankly, it will be referred to from here on out as The Great Robbery'09.
Really, it started so innocently. A paraphrase of the introduction to my waxer, if you will:
ME: "I would like this situation taken care of please."
LADY: "Of course. I'm Russian and old but I can still understand English. Nothing too fancy, you're obviously a shy girl who gets beet red at even the mention of pubic hair, so let's make this as fast and painless as possible, ok?"
And that was the motto of the meeting. I was good to go after ten minutes and then...she switched gears on me. Suddenly, she's pulling on my legs and actually saying the sentence, 'Tsk, tsk, tsk...what do we have here?'
I, in turn, am genuinely curious as to what she's seeing that I HAVEN'T before but there was no time to ask questions.
Without even asking that woman stole more than ever intended all while ranting and raving about making me 'so beautiful'. Uh, I'm sorry, since when did this even make to the scale of "beautiful" or not???
She then insisted we were doing my eyebrows, swiveled me to put my head where my ass once was and gave me a very heated lecture on everything I've done wrong with them my entire life apparently.
"Why are they so far apart? What happened? Who did this to you?"
"Uh...I don't...I don't think there's anything wrong with them"-
"You need length for a long face. You want a long face or a round face?!"
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"Angelina Jolie...does she have a round face or a long face?"
"....a long face?"
"THATS RIGHT A LONG FACE. We have to fix this."
I ended the evening with a bottle of wine and absolutely no shame, hopefully you'll understand why. I'm also never going back. I can't even bring myself to look at the situation she left me with and it's been three days.
Let's pretend I never told you all of that. On a more serious note I'm really trying to prep myself (more than just my bowel... GROSS) for my surgery on Tuesday and I'm kind of a mess. I'm fully aware it's not a big deal. I get to go home for a week, I like to sleep and wear pajamas...I dunno. Just nervous. They told me no food or drink after midnight monday so what kind of Jack and Coke in injection form can someone get me? Heroin? Black tar you say? Well, if that's all you have.
Alright, the Academy Awards are on and I'm a sucker for the opportunity to feel bad about myself and my lack of places to wear pretty dresses. Will someone please throw a black tie affair for the love of God?! Even if it's bowling. I'll go to bowling in Vera Wang! I will!
sorry, i'm tired and obviously less entertaining and interesting because of it. nightnight.
I did have an interesting day while running errands because what started out as a grocery shopping trip ended in a weird sort of run in at the check out line. I had to go get some medicine for my surgery I have to take tomorrow (alright. Bowel prep. I had to tell the cute 20something pharmacy tech behind the counter, I might as well tell you) and I'm standing in line with a loaf of bread, this medicine and some sprite zero. So I'm at the self scan...you know, something that is supposed to be quicker but actually isn't and only ends with some random couple actually at the lane with you, putting their stuff on the machine before you're even finished.
I was like, "Oh...hi...I'm almost done" and he's like, "oh that's fine, here you dropped your keys." Ok, so now I'm becoming increasingly more flustered and dropping everything...iPod, purse, wallet, bottle of embarassing medicine. And then, I look up as he's like, collecting my shit and see that he's with his terminally ill cancer patient wife, complete with no hair and head wrap.
So I'm feeling...I don't know, guiltly rushed now because she doesn't have a lot of time (ugh, is that a terrible joke? I think so.) and trying to check out and put my dollar in and am dropping my change (which he's like...helping me put in the slot as I drop it because THAT'S how close he really is to me now) and his wife says, kind of bitterly I might add, "Wow, you're really helpful today Jim, aren't you?" And then Jim, apparently, replies, "Well, God's watching." Ok, awkward, this is obviously a marriage moment I shouldn't be a part of and THEN she rounds it off with "Yeah, but the real question is what are YOU watching?"
SO I believe I've caused a rift in that marriage simply by being slow. I was wearing sweat pants for God's sakes, what could he possibly have been looking at? Ugh, the whole thing was terribly embarassing HOWEVER not as embarassing as my one night out the entire time I've lived in Pittsburgh where a gay dude made fun of my outfit and was rude and I ended up going home after only two hours and three beers. Whatever. I'm not much of a partyer anyway I guess.
In other news, I got a bikini wax. Normally, that's not something I'd share but since we're in a "bowel prep isn't too taboo" mood, I might as well just let it all go because frankly, it will be referred to from here on out as The Great Robbery'09.
Really, it started so innocently. A paraphrase of the introduction to my waxer, if you will:
ME: "I would like this situation taken care of please."
LADY: "Of course. I'm Russian and old but I can still understand English. Nothing too fancy, you're obviously a shy girl who gets beet red at even the mention of pubic hair, so let's make this as fast and painless as possible, ok?"
And that was the motto of the meeting. I was good to go after ten minutes and then...she switched gears on me. Suddenly, she's pulling on my legs and actually saying the sentence, 'Tsk, tsk, tsk...what do we have here?'
I, in turn, am genuinely curious as to what she's seeing that I HAVEN'T before but there was no time to ask questions.
Without even asking that woman stole more than ever intended all while ranting and raving about making me 'so beautiful'. Uh, I'm sorry, since when did this even make to the scale of "beautiful" or not???
She then insisted we were doing my eyebrows, swiveled me to put my head where my ass once was and gave me a very heated lecture on everything I've done wrong with them my entire life apparently.
"Why are they so far apart? What happened? Who did this to you?"
"Uh...I don't...I don't think there's anything wrong with them"-
"You need length for a long face. You want a long face or a round face?!"
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"Angelina Jolie...does she have a round face or a long face?"
"....a long face?"
"THATS RIGHT A LONG FACE. We have to fix this."
I ended the evening with a bottle of wine and absolutely no shame, hopefully you'll understand why. I'm also never going back. I can't even bring myself to look at the situation she left me with and it's been three days.
Let's pretend I never told you all of that. On a more serious note I'm really trying to prep myself (more than just my bowel... GROSS) for my surgery on Tuesday and I'm kind of a mess. I'm fully aware it's not a big deal. I get to go home for a week, I like to sleep and wear pajamas...I dunno. Just nervous. They told me no food or drink after midnight monday so what kind of Jack and Coke in injection form can someone get me? Heroin? Black tar you say? Well, if that's all you have.
Alright, the Academy Awards are on and I'm a sucker for the opportunity to feel bad about myself and my lack of places to wear pretty dresses. Will someone please throw a black tie affair for the love of God?! Even if it's bowling. I'll go to bowling in Vera Wang! I will!
sorry, i'm tired and obviously less entertaining and interesting because of it. nightnight.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Live from Nat City
So I'm at work. And I'm doing what I do best at work - - apply to different jobs while surfing the net, pretending to be reading Retail Online for the latest and greatest information about being the best bank teller I can be. Whatevs, I'm giving my two weeks notice after work today.
So my real beef is that I was filling out my TeachNY application (one of the many I've done today...this one looks a TINY bit more promising than TeachMississippi but beggars can't be choosers, eh?) and I write this MONSTROUS lesson plan. I mean, really, the thing was epic. Ok, it was 5000 words which was the limit but really, it was the genius mastery of composition behind it that MAKES it so epic. And I'm stoked, I mean, really this is the best freakin lesson plan I've written in my entire life based around 70% of my students who are ELL learners and what I would do accomodate them while still helping my 10% overachieving students accel and it was just....agh it was fantastic.
Until I went to the "save and next" button and all of the sudden Microsoft Internet Explorer had an unexplained error and it got deleted and I'm on the verge currently of killing myself. I hope to God that James Morrison and his sweet, melodic voice can talk me down from the cliff on my lunch break because it's ugly round here. Seriously. Have never been this upset in my entire life. That's probably an exaggeration but really, my entire point to this post is that I hate technology and wish we were all still cave men carving things in stone tablets and driving cars powered by the fast, circular motion of our feet.
At least then I wouldn't...ugh, I don't know. Wonder. Know. See everything. Struggle with applications that could just as easily be sent using a pterodactyl instead of the net.
I hate the internet. I'm quitting. Starting tomorrow. Or maybe not. Still undecided.
So my real beef is that I was filling out my TeachNY application (one of the many I've done today...this one looks a TINY bit more promising than TeachMississippi but beggars can't be choosers, eh?) and I write this MONSTROUS lesson plan. I mean, really, the thing was epic. Ok, it was 5000 words which was the limit but really, it was the genius mastery of composition behind it that MAKES it so epic. And I'm stoked, I mean, really this is the best freakin lesson plan I've written in my entire life based around 70% of my students who are ELL learners and what I would do accomodate them while still helping my 10% overachieving students accel and it was just....agh it was fantastic.
Until I went to the "save and next" button and all of the sudden Microsoft Internet Explorer had an unexplained error and it got deleted and I'm on the verge currently of killing myself. I hope to God that James Morrison and his sweet, melodic voice can talk me down from the cliff on my lunch break because it's ugly round here. Seriously. Have never been this upset in my entire life. That's probably an exaggeration but really, my entire point to this post is that I hate technology and wish we were all still cave men carving things in stone tablets and driving cars powered by the fast, circular motion of our feet.
At least then I wouldn't...ugh, I don't know. Wonder. Know. See everything. Struggle with applications that could just as easily be sent using a pterodactyl instead of the net.
I hate the internet. I'm quitting. Starting tomorrow. Or maybe not. Still undecided.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Got Snot?
"Two one eyed dogs, they're looking at stereos.
Hi-fi Gods try so hard to make their cars low to the ground."
I made it home. Driving sucks. Especially when you sneeze all over your steering wheel early on in the trip and find where exactly that sneeze landed like an hour later when you rub your hand in it and you scream out in surprise/disgust and don't have any car napkins and so you wipe it on your black yoga pants that you love and will never be able to look at anymore in the same way.
because they are now snot pants.
However, I did get that pseudo-job so it looks like there will be a lot less driving to be done in the future.
Tomorrow? Homework and coffee at Borders for most of the day as my life sucks. I will be getting some yummy lunch with mom, hopefully, to break up the work. This is all pending, of course, on how well my Nyquil works tonight. Last night it worked funny and I ended up dreaming I owned a horse farm but that all the horses had chicken pox and were dying and small children were blaming me because apparently my horse farm was open for petting and riding and the kids were less than happy with my pet care abilities. If I hadn't have woken up in cold sweats, screaming out "i didn't know horses could GET chicken pox" I'm sure PETA would have shown up with the cuffs.
time to watch Princess Diaries.
24 in body. 14 in spirit. (That sounds like a Dove commercial or something, doesn't it?)
Hi-fi Gods try so hard to make their cars low to the ground."
I made it home. Driving sucks. Especially when you sneeze all over your steering wheel early on in the trip and find where exactly that sneeze landed like an hour later when you rub your hand in it and you scream out in surprise/disgust and don't have any car napkins and so you wipe it on your black yoga pants that you love and will never be able to look at anymore in the same way.
because they are now snot pants.
However, I did get that pseudo-job so it looks like there will be a lot less driving to be done in the future.
Tomorrow? Homework and coffee at Borders for most of the day as my life sucks. I will be getting some yummy lunch with mom, hopefully, to break up the work. This is all pending, of course, on how well my Nyquil works tonight. Last night it worked funny and I ended up dreaming I owned a horse farm but that all the horses had chicken pox and were dying and small children were blaming me because apparently my horse farm was open for petting and riding and the kids were less than happy with my pet care abilities. If I hadn't have woken up in cold sweats, screaming out "i didn't know horses could GET chicken pox" I'm sure PETA would have shown up with the cuffs.
time to watch Princess Diaries.
24 in body. 14 in spirit. (That sounds like a Dove commercial or something, doesn't it?)
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Gram Me, I need it
I don't think I'm hip enough for the Grammy Awards. Between the crazy lighting and insane duets they lined up this year, not to mention outfits (costumes, let's just call em what they are) I'm pretty sure only those dropping acid could keep up.
Let's take a closer look, shall we?
1. Why did Mr. Paltrow a)do a duet with Jay-Z and a graffiti'ed piano? b)wear a belly bearing t-shirt and baby blue ugly ass guard jacket and THEN c)sweat profusely in aforementioned terrible outfit and practically take a nap on stage after his performance?
2. Poor Jennifer Hudson. Frankly, I think we were all expecting her to cry obscenely at being the first win after everything's that has happened to her recently but who can concentrate on anything besides an OBVIOUSLY CRACKED OUT WHITNEY HOUSTON handing out the award?
3. Carrie Underwood has great gams. Jesus. I never actually thought I'd say the phrase, "Nice knee caps" out loud but that's just how gorgeous they are. However, she was wearing something that resembled a gold after-shower towel. In other words, I'm pretty sure everyone front and center saw her Britney.
4. She actually hasn't made an appeearance. Whitney will obviously be playing the role of 'drunk who didnt win for doing nothing this year' award winner.
5. Just got a text message from Kel regarding Carrie Underwood's Gold Dress/Towel. Awesome. There's a reason those girls are my soulmates, and the understanding of terrible ensembles across the states is just one of many reasons.
6. I feel like I should know at least SOME of these old people they keep doing video spots/close ups on. I don't. I don't even know who Duffy is though I'm pretty sure she's just the impossible love child of Sienna Miller and cheek implants.
7. Coldplay. SERIOUSLY. get bowling jackets next year, you'd be better off.
8. Kid Rock gave a heart wrenching performance on behalf of...I don't know, some organization involving children or poor people in bug sunglasses. The only words to his song, in case you were curious (you weren't, it's ok) was "Amen". Just got a text from Kel in shock that Kid is looking clean for this performance. By 'clean' she means showered. He's obviously still on the hard drugs. Only those on meth would think a pony tail is f'ing attractive.
9. Because of these stupid awards I've discovered the phrase 'Jonas Brothers' is in my t9 preset and I can't decide if I should kill myself or just give up. The craze will eventually take over the world, anyway, right? I mean, they've already gotten to the Obama's. We're fucked.
10. Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus performed the tune "Fifteen" (fitting, ain't it?) except, ok, why does Miley insist on looking straight up constipated whenever she sings? The entire performance was the REAL musician playing the guitar and staring at the other who did unnecessary head swinging and yollering.
11. Nice perm Robert Plant. Nice....perm.
12. The economy MUST BE terrible because I just saw a commercial for CSI:Miami featuring...P Diddy? Apparently 'Da Band' isn't doing so hot these days as his alias 'sean combs' (according to the commercial) has to do tv spots. Even if I wanted to watch, I wouldn't be able to due to the obscene number of Cold Case, CSI, LAPD combo's out there.
13. Jason Mraz looks like a douche in his gangsta hat. Stevie Wonder is singing with the Jonas Brothers which just goes to show the world is UNDOUBTEDLY IMPLODING. The oldest is sporting a jew fro, the middle has more eye make up and hair product than my sister at snowcoming (she just went, she was adorable) and the youngest is wearing a throat scarf. You know, like Audrey Hepburn. ALSO they keep shouting out random "Let's go Stevie"s which is only because twenty minutes prior, back stage, they got schooled on who stevie wonder is.
14. GOD. COLD PLAY. THE JACKETS.
15. Kel just sent me a text asking why Blink 182 was so hit and bandaged. Homegirl obviously didn't hear about the terrible plane accident where only the super stars survived and the rest of the crew perished. Suspicious? I think so....
HAHAHA. "They're still injured from THAT?"
Yes, darling. I mean, I've never BEEN in a tragic plane accident but I'm pretty sure recovery times vary in length. I just said she was my best friend, i didn't say i picked em for their empathy.
16. Katy Perry came on stage in a giant banana and a bedazzled fruit leotard. That's right. There's no other way to describe it. Also, her boobs were out of control. Please refer to "Girls I'd switch teams for list" for further confusion. Close up on Jonas Brothers who don't look the slightest bit excited by this craziness. Further proof those promise rings are a cover for the fact they're actually Eunuchs.
17. I think Kanye just took a dig at Amy Winehouse which is ballsy coming from a man sporting a mullet and Michael Jackson gloves. Also, there was obviously an accident with your jacket sir as you look like you had a run in at the Crayola Factory with the Glitter Machine. I'm sending an Oompa Loompa stat to help you out with that situation.
18. Morgan Freeman presented which...doesn't...actually make sense. He just claimed to be friends with Kenny Chesney which also...doesn't make any sense. God I need booze to make it through crap like this. Will settle for pudding.
19. Natalie Cole is looking pretty damn good for someone begging her son for a kidney not three days ago. M.I.A should NOT be here as she will undoubtedly explode any second now. I heard she insisted on performing on her due date which is a shame because I'm exhausted and I'll probably miss the first official live birth at the Grammy's.
I can't even make it to twenty. The Grammy's are crazy anyway, I wouldn't be able to keep up. I heard Chris Brown and Rhianna couldn't come because Chris beat somebody up hours before they were due to show which, seriously, he couldn't refrain? He's a music artist and it's the day of the freakin' Grammy's. Really? REALLY? If ever there was a day to be the punk who just walked away, that would have been today dude.
UGH just saw P Diddy's CSI commercial again. Must sleep....
Let's take a closer look, shall we?
1. Why did Mr. Paltrow a)do a duet with Jay-Z and a graffiti'ed piano? b)wear a belly bearing t-shirt and baby blue ugly ass guard jacket and THEN c)sweat profusely in aforementioned terrible outfit and practically take a nap on stage after his performance?
2. Poor Jennifer Hudson. Frankly, I think we were all expecting her to cry obscenely at being the first win after everything's that has happened to her recently but who can concentrate on anything besides an OBVIOUSLY CRACKED OUT WHITNEY HOUSTON handing out the award?
3. Carrie Underwood has great gams. Jesus. I never actually thought I'd say the phrase, "Nice knee caps" out loud but that's just how gorgeous they are. However, she was wearing something that resembled a gold after-shower towel. In other words, I'm pretty sure everyone front and center saw her Britney.
4. She actually hasn't made an appeearance. Whitney will obviously be playing the role of 'drunk who didnt win for doing nothing this year' award winner.
5. Just got a text message from Kel regarding Carrie Underwood's Gold Dress/Towel. Awesome. There's a reason those girls are my soulmates, and the understanding of terrible ensembles across the states is just one of many reasons.
6. I feel like I should know at least SOME of these old people they keep doing video spots/close ups on. I don't. I don't even know who Duffy is though I'm pretty sure she's just the impossible love child of Sienna Miller and cheek implants.
7. Coldplay. SERIOUSLY. get bowling jackets next year, you'd be better off.
8. Kid Rock gave a heart wrenching performance on behalf of...I don't know, some organization involving children or poor people in bug sunglasses. The only words to his song, in case you were curious (you weren't, it's ok) was "Amen". Just got a text from Kel in shock that Kid is looking clean for this performance. By 'clean' she means showered. He's obviously still on the hard drugs. Only those on meth would think a pony tail is f'ing attractive.
9. Because of these stupid awards I've discovered the phrase 'Jonas Brothers' is in my t9 preset and I can't decide if I should kill myself or just give up. The craze will eventually take over the world, anyway, right? I mean, they've already gotten to the Obama's. We're fucked.
10. Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus performed the tune "Fifteen" (fitting, ain't it?) except, ok, why does Miley insist on looking straight up constipated whenever she sings? The entire performance was the REAL musician playing the guitar and staring at the other who did unnecessary head swinging and yollering.
11. Nice perm Robert Plant. Nice....perm.
12. The economy MUST BE terrible because I just saw a commercial for CSI:Miami featuring...P Diddy? Apparently 'Da Band' isn't doing so hot these days as his alias 'sean combs' (according to the commercial) has to do tv spots. Even if I wanted to watch, I wouldn't be able to due to the obscene number of Cold Case, CSI, LAPD combo's out there.
13. Jason Mraz looks like a douche in his gangsta hat. Stevie Wonder is singing with the Jonas Brothers which just goes to show the world is UNDOUBTEDLY IMPLODING. The oldest is sporting a jew fro, the middle has more eye make up and hair product than my sister at snowcoming (she just went, she was adorable) and the youngest is wearing a throat scarf. You know, like Audrey Hepburn. ALSO they keep shouting out random "Let's go Stevie"s which is only because twenty minutes prior, back stage, they got schooled on who stevie wonder is.
14. GOD. COLD PLAY. THE JACKETS.
15. Kel just sent me a text asking why Blink 182 was so hit and bandaged. Homegirl obviously didn't hear about the terrible plane accident where only the super stars survived and the rest of the crew perished. Suspicious? I think so....
HAHAHA. "They're still injured from THAT?"
Yes, darling. I mean, I've never BEEN in a tragic plane accident but I'm pretty sure recovery times vary in length. I just said she was my best friend, i didn't say i picked em for their empathy.
16. Katy Perry came on stage in a giant banana and a bedazzled fruit leotard. That's right. There's no other way to describe it. Also, her boobs were out of control. Please refer to "Girls I'd switch teams for list" for further confusion. Close up on Jonas Brothers who don't look the slightest bit excited by this craziness. Further proof those promise rings are a cover for the fact they're actually Eunuchs.
17. I think Kanye just took a dig at Amy Winehouse which is ballsy coming from a man sporting a mullet and Michael Jackson gloves. Also, there was obviously an accident with your jacket sir as you look like you had a run in at the Crayola Factory with the Glitter Machine. I'm sending an Oompa Loompa stat to help you out with that situation.
18. Morgan Freeman presented which...doesn't...actually make sense. He just claimed to be friends with Kenny Chesney which also...doesn't make any sense. God I need booze to make it through crap like this. Will settle for pudding.
19. Natalie Cole is looking pretty damn good for someone begging her son for a kidney not three days ago. M.I.A should NOT be here as she will undoubtedly explode any second now. I heard she insisted on performing on her due date which is a shame because I'm exhausted and I'll probably miss the first official live birth at the Grammy's.
I can't even make it to twenty. The Grammy's are crazy anyway, I wouldn't be able to keep up. I heard Chris Brown and Rhianna couldn't come because Chris beat somebody up hours before they were due to show which, seriously, he couldn't refrain? He's a music artist and it's the day of the freakin' Grammy's. Really? REALLY? If ever there was a day to be the punk who just walked away, that would have been today dude.
UGH just saw P Diddy's CSI commercial again. Must sleep....
Friday, February 06, 2009
Thursday, February 05, 2009
IQ = 1 Bajillion
I am a genius.
It took me like...a week to figure out this Twitter nonsense. It shouldn't have. I mean really, how complicated can it be to say what you're doing at a moment's notice on the web? Shouldn't be that complicated. If Ashton Kutcher can twitter, anyone can, right?
Wrong.
However, I've been upping my vitamin c and had the brain juices flowing this week. Figured it out. I've found exactly one and a half friends on this thing so far (thanks, i can haz cheezburger, at least you love me) and will probably give up within the week. However, if you're curious how much I'm hating my homework recently or think to yourself, "Ashley's blogs are ridiculous and lengthy" then come and see what I'm up to at twitter.com/a2earp. Hooray!
Fun facts: Job interview in Michigan for a lead teaching position with Premiere Academy. Babies all day long? Did Jesus actually create this position in Heaven's HR strictly for me? I THINK SO. Interview criteria? Hopefully the baby voice. "OoosheebooshheeeboooIseeyou". Done and done.
I went home for exactly twenty four hours the other day which, in case you've never driven from Pittsburgh, meant a total of fourteen hours in my house. I slept, let our puppies out and had lunch with my mom at Pei Wei before heading back. I went for a specific reason, ended up skipping, it's not really important. What IS important about this story is that I love Pei Wei, even if my mother did order for me and I ended up with slimy noodles and bean sprouts. Her lunch was great and I stole that continuously when she went to get pop refills.
It also allowed me to get mildly excited for a possible move back to Michigan for a bit. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of Michigan. Really, the weather blows and the roads are terrible and if you haven't heard, unemployment is at like 11% so really, Michigan is like the worst state to live in. Beth got a new job there and starts in two weeks though and honestly, no matter how terrible a state is, you can't help but love where you live if one of your best friends is three miles away, wanting to sip coffee and giggle with you. I miss my friends a lot more than I realized. I love being here and I love living with Scott because he's one of my best friends as well. However, I hate my job and I don't know...I dont know. I probably can't say that enough. I dont know, I don't know. I need home for a while. Home for the first time in seven years.
It reminds me of that point in Garden State where Zack Braff is asking Natalie Portman about that realization in your life when your home isn't your home anymore. "It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist anymore." How am I homesick for a bedroom that's not even there? I want to be eleven again and sleep in a twin bed (holy crap) and hear my mother play country music ridiculously loud at eight am on a saturday even though i'll hate it and have to ask her to drive me to Jill's house so we can wash barbie clothes in her downstairs bathroom sink and make up a dance to I Saw The Sign. I want it back because going back is way easier than going forward. Not to redo anything. I wouldn't redo a thing. I just want to see it again. Relive it. Feel that way for a minute.
I'm happy, I swear to God. I don't know, doesn't everybody get that way? A little lethargic and reminicent? I don't think I spelled that right. And now I feel like i'm depressing the crap out of everyone.
Downloaded "Like Johnny and June" today at my mother's urging. Just get it, even if you hate country music. It's adorable in a really romantic way and in honor of Valentine's Day everyone deserves a little romance.
OH and speaking of Garden State (remember, like two paragraphs ago?) the girls and I were discussing 500 Days of Summer and how indy adorable it looks, much like G.S. Which got us started on the wonder that is Zooey Deschanel. I didn't spell that right either but I don't care. Let it be known that because of her, I've fully accepted the "girl crush" and the out of control one i have on her. She's adorable. I declared she made the list of ladies I would date which, of course, meant I actually had to make a list with more than just Zooey Deschanel on it. Therefore, I present to you, girls I would go Lindsay Lohan for.
1. Sophia Bush. Part raspy voice, part attitude, homegirl knows how to work it. Also, her taste in clothing is ridiculous and dating her would mean unlimited access to her closet.
2. Katy Perry. I'd kiss her. I'd like it. I wouldn't have been the only one. Plus, has anyone else seen the video of her falling in a giant cake on stage and just laughing her ass off while making a fool of herself? That's good sportsmanship. I'm all about dating good sports.
3. Zooey Deschanel. She's just adorably quirky. And tiny. I could fit her in my pocket.
4. Nikki Reed. I'm just gonna come out and say the babe has nice cans and a good tan. Can't argue with that.
5. Jessica Alba. Is that cliche? I'm sorry but even with the ridiculous bangs and baby she's sporting recently, she's still dropping it like it's hot.
There you have it. Feel free to fantasize/throw up til your heart's content, whatever feels natural. In my defense, it's late and I never anticipated tonight's blog entry to end with my "Who I'd change teams for" list. C'est la vie. I'm going to bed.
It took me like...a week to figure out this Twitter nonsense. It shouldn't have. I mean really, how complicated can it be to say what you're doing at a moment's notice on the web? Shouldn't be that complicated. If Ashton Kutcher can twitter, anyone can, right?
Wrong.
However, I've been upping my vitamin c and had the brain juices flowing this week. Figured it out. I've found exactly one and a half friends on this thing so far (thanks, i can haz cheezburger, at least you love me) and will probably give up within the week. However, if you're curious how much I'm hating my homework recently or think to yourself, "Ashley's blogs are ridiculous and lengthy" then come and see what I'm up to at twitter.com/a2earp. Hooray!
Fun facts: Job interview in Michigan for a lead teaching position with Premiere Academy. Babies all day long? Did Jesus actually create this position in Heaven's HR strictly for me? I THINK SO. Interview criteria? Hopefully the baby voice. "OoosheebooshheeeboooIseeyou". Done and done.
I went home for exactly twenty four hours the other day which, in case you've never driven from Pittsburgh, meant a total of fourteen hours in my house. I slept, let our puppies out and had lunch with my mom at Pei Wei before heading back. I went for a specific reason, ended up skipping, it's not really important. What IS important about this story is that I love Pei Wei, even if my mother did order for me and I ended up with slimy noodles and bean sprouts. Her lunch was great and I stole that continuously when she went to get pop refills.
It also allowed me to get mildly excited for a possible move back to Michigan for a bit. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of Michigan. Really, the weather blows and the roads are terrible and if you haven't heard, unemployment is at like 11% so really, Michigan is like the worst state to live in. Beth got a new job there and starts in two weeks though and honestly, no matter how terrible a state is, you can't help but love where you live if one of your best friends is three miles away, wanting to sip coffee and giggle with you. I miss my friends a lot more than I realized. I love being here and I love living with Scott because he's one of my best friends as well. However, I hate my job and I don't know...I dont know. I probably can't say that enough. I dont know, I don't know. I need home for a while. Home for the first time in seven years.
It reminds me of that point in Garden State where Zack Braff is asking Natalie Portman about that realization in your life when your home isn't your home anymore. "It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist anymore." How am I homesick for a bedroom that's not even there? I want to be eleven again and sleep in a twin bed (holy crap) and hear my mother play country music ridiculously loud at eight am on a saturday even though i'll hate it and have to ask her to drive me to Jill's house so we can wash barbie clothes in her downstairs bathroom sink and make up a dance to I Saw The Sign. I want it back because going back is way easier than going forward. Not to redo anything. I wouldn't redo a thing. I just want to see it again. Relive it. Feel that way for a minute.
I'm happy, I swear to God. I don't know, doesn't everybody get that way? A little lethargic and reminicent? I don't think I spelled that right. And now I feel like i'm depressing the crap out of everyone.
Downloaded "Like Johnny and June" today at my mother's urging. Just get it, even if you hate country music. It's adorable in a really romantic way and in honor of Valentine's Day everyone deserves a little romance.
OH and speaking of Garden State (remember, like two paragraphs ago?) the girls and I were discussing 500 Days of Summer and how indy adorable it looks, much like G.S. Which got us started on the wonder that is Zooey Deschanel. I didn't spell that right either but I don't care. Let it be known that because of her, I've fully accepted the "girl crush" and the out of control one i have on her. She's adorable. I declared she made the list of ladies I would date which, of course, meant I actually had to make a list with more than just Zooey Deschanel on it. Therefore, I present to you, girls I would go Lindsay Lohan for.
1. Sophia Bush. Part raspy voice, part attitude, homegirl knows how to work it. Also, her taste in clothing is ridiculous and dating her would mean unlimited access to her closet.
2. Katy Perry. I'd kiss her. I'd like it. I wouldn't have been the only one. Plus, has anyone else seen the video of her falling in a giant cake on stage and just laughing her ass off while making a fool of herself? That's good sportsmanship. I'm all about dating good sports.
3. Zooey Deschanel. She's just adorably quirky. And tiny. I could fit her in my pocket.
4. Nikki Reed. I'm just gonna come out and say the babe has nice cans and a good tan. Can't argue with that.
5. Jessica Alba. Is that cliche? I'm sorry but even with the ridiculous bangs and baby she's sporting recently, she's still dropping it like it's hot.
There you have it. Feel free to fantasize/throw up til your heart's content, whatever feels natural. In my defense, it's late and I never anticipated tonight's blog entry to end with my "Who I'd change teams for" list. C'est la vie. I'm going to bed.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
"...I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me."
*BIG DISGUSTING GIRLY SIGH OF DISCONTENT*
I wish I were a lesbian being chased by Ben Affleck.
...That didn't come out right. Whatever. Rent Chasing Amy.
<3 ash
I wish I were a lesbian being chased by Ben Affleck.
...That didn't come out right. Whatever. Rent Chasing Amy.
<3 ash