I don't think I'm hip enough for the Grammy Awards. Between the crazy lighting and insane duets they lined up this year, not to mention outfits (costumes, let's just call em what they are) I'm pretty sure only those dropping acid could keep up.
Let's take a closer look, shall we?
1. Why did Mr. Paltrow a)do a duet with Jay-Z and a graffiti'ed piano? b)wear a belly bearing t-shirt and baby blue ugly ass guard jacket and THEN c)sweat profusely in aforementioned terrible outfit and practically take a nap on stage after his performance?
2. Poor Jennifer Hudson. Frankly, I think we were all expecting her to cry obscenely at being the first win after everything's that has happened to her recently but who can concentrate on anything besides an OBVIOUSLY CRACKED OUT WHITNEY HOUSTON handing out the award?
3. Carrie Underwood has great gams. Jesus. I never actually thought I'd say the phrase, "Nice knee caps" out loud but that's just how gorgeous they are. However, she was wearing something that resembled a gold after-shower towel. In other words, I'm pretty sure everyone front and center saw her Britney.
4. She actually hasn't made an appeearance. Whitney will obviously be playing the role of 'drunk who didnt win for doing nothing this year' award winner.
5. Just got a text message from Kel regarding Carrie Underwood's Gold Dress/Towel. Awesome. There's a reason those girls are my soulmates, and the understanding of terrible ensembles across the states is just one of many reasons.
6. I feel like I should know at least SOME of these old people they keep doing video spots/close ups on. I don't. I don't even know who Duffy is though I'm pretty sure she's just the impossible love child of Sienna Miller and cheek implants.
7. Coldplay. SERIOUSLY. get bowling jackets next year, you'd be better off.
8. Kid Rock gave a heart wrenching performance on behalf of...I don't know, some organization involving children or poor people in bug sunglasses. The only words to his song, in case you were curious (you weren't, it's ok) was "Amen". Just got a text from Kel in shock that Kid is looking clean for this performance. By 'clean' she means showered. He's obviously still on the hard drugs. Only those on meth would think a pony tail is f'ing attractive.
9. Because of these stupid awards I've discovered the phrase 'Jonas Brothers' is in my t9 preset and I can't decide if I should kill myself or just give up. The craze will eventually take over the world, anyway, right? I mean, they've already gotten to the Obama's. We're fucked.
10. Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus performed the tune "Fifteen" (fitting, ain't it?) except, ok, why does Miley insist on looking straight up constipated whenever she sings? The entire performance was the REAL musician playing the guitar and staring at the other who did unnecessary head swinging and yollering.
11. Nice perm Robert Plant. Nice....perm.
12. The economy MUST BE terrible because I just saw a commercial for CSI:Miami featuring...P Diddy? Apparently 'Da Band' isn't doing so hot these days as his alias 'sean combs' (according to the commercial) has to do tv spots. Even if I wanted to watch, I wouldn't be able to due to the obscene number of Cold Case, CSI, LAPD combo's out there.
13. Jason Mraz looks like a douche in his gangsta hat. Stevie Wonder is singing with the Jonas Brothers which just goes to show the world is UNDOUBTEDLY IMPLODING. The oldest is sporting a jew fro, the middle has more eye make up and hair product than my sister at snowcoming (she just went, she was adorable) and the youngest is wearing a throat scarf. You know, like Audrey Hepburn. ALSO they keep shouting out random "Let's go Stevie"s which is only because twenty minutes prior, back stage, they got schooled on who stevie wonder is.
14. GOD. COLD PLAY. THE JACKETS.
15. Kel just sent me a text asking why Blink 182 was so hit and bandaged. Homegirl obviously didn't hear about the terrible plane accident where only the super stars survived and the rest of the crew perished. Suspicious? I think so....
HAHAHA. "They're still injured from THAT?"
Yes, darling. I mean, I've never BEEN in a tragic plane accident but I'm pretty sure recovery times vary in length. I just said she was my best friend, i didn't say i picked em for their empathy.
16. Katy Perry came on stage in a giant banana and a bedazzled fruit leotard. That's right. There's no other way to describe it. Also, her boobs were out of control. Please refer to "Girls I'd switch teams for list" for further confusion. Close up on Jonas Brothers who don't look the slightest bit excited by this craziness. Further proof those promise rings are a cover for the fact they're actually Eunuchs.
17. I think Kanye just took a dig at Amy Winehouse which is ballsy coming from a man sporting a mullet and Michael Jackson gloves. Also, there was obviously an accident with your jacket sir as you look like you had a run in at the Crayola Factory with the Glitter Machine. I'm sending an Oompa Loompa stat to help you out with that situation.
18. Morgan Freeman presented which...doesn't...actually make sense. He just claimed to be friends with Kenny Chesney which also...doesn't make any sense. God I need booze to make it through crap like this. Will settle for pudding.
19. Natalie Cole is looking pretty damn good for someone begging her son for a kidney not three days ago. M.I.A should NOT be here as she will undoubtedly explode any second now. I heard she insisted on performing on her due date which is a shame because I'm exhausted and I'll probably miss the first official live birth at the Grammy's.
I can't even make it to twenty. The Grammy's are crazy anyway, I wouldn't be able to keep up. I heard Chris Brown and Rhianna couldn't come because Chris beat somebody up hours before they were due to show which, seriously, he couldn't refrain? He's a music artist and it's the day of the freakin' Grammy's. Really? REALLY? If ever there was a day to be the punk who just walked away, that would have been today dude.
UGH just saw P Diddy's CSI commercial again. Must sleep....
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