I've been trying so hard to get my act together. All weekend long, sitting in my sweatpants and drinking joe saying to myself "You will get up. You will take a shower. You will stop googling things about the Academy Awards." Alas, it is sunday night and I still don't have any more boxes for moving, groceries for eating and I have an odor. C'est la vie.
I did have an interesting day while running errands because what started out as a grocery shopping trip ended in a weird sort of run in at the check out line. I had to go get some medicine for my surgery I have to take tomorrow (alright. Bowel prep. I had to tell the cute 20something pharmacy tech behind the counter, I might as well tell you) and I'm standing in line with a loaf of bread, this medicine and some sprite zero. So I'm at the self scan...you know, something that is supposed to be quicker but actually isn't and only ends with some random couple actually at the lane with you, putting their stuff on the machine before you're even finished.
I was like, "Oh...hi...I'm almost done" and he's like, "oh that's fine, here you dropped your keys." Ok, so now I'm becoming increasingly more flustered and dropping everything...iPod, purse, wallet, bottle of embarassing medicine. And then, I look up as he's like, collecting my shit and see that he's with his terminally ill cancer patient wife, complete with no hair and head wrap.
So I'm feeling...I don't know, guiltly rushed now because she doesn't have a lot of time (ugh, is that a terrible joke? I think so.) and trying to check out and put my dollar in and am dropping my change (which he's like...helping me put in the slot as I drop it because THAT'S how close he really is to me now) and his wife says, kind of bitterly I might add, "Wow, you're really helpful today Jim, aren't you?" And then Jim, apparently, replies, "Well, God's watching." Ok, awkward, this is obviously a marriage moment I shouldn't be a part of and THEN she rounds it off with "Yeah, but the real question is what are YOU watching?"
SO I believe I've caused a rift in that marriage simply by being slow. I was wearing sweat pants for God's sakes, what could he possibly have been looking at? Ugh, the whole thing was terribly embarassing HOWEVER not as embarassing as my one night out the entire time I've lived in Pittsburgh where a gay dude made fun of my outfit and was rude and I ended up going home after only two hours and three beers. Whatever. I'm not much of a partyer anyway I guess.
In other news, I got a bikini wax. Normally, that's not something I'd share but since we're in a "bowel prep isn't too taboo" mood, I might as well just let it all go because frankly, it will be referred to from here on out as The Great Robbery'09.
Really, it started so innocently. A paraphrase of the introduction to my waxer, if you will:
ME: "I would like this situation taken care of please."
LADY: "Of course. I'm Russian and old but I can still understand English. Nothing too fancy, you're obviously a shy girl who gets beet red at even the mention of pubic hair, so let's make this as fast and painless as possible, ok?"
And that was the motto of the meeting. I was good to go after ten minutes and then...she switched gears on me. Suddenly, she's pulling on my legs and actually saying the sentence, 'Tsk, tsk, tsk...what do we have here?'
I, in turn, am genuinely curious as to what she's seeing that I HAVEN'T before but there was no time to ask questions.
Without even asking that woman stole more than ever intended all while ranting and raving about making me 'so beautiful'. Uh, I'm sorry, since when did this even make to the scale of "beautiful" or not???
She then insisted we were doing my eyebrows, swiveled me to put my head where my ass once was and gave me a very heated lecture on everything I've done wrong with them my entire life apparently.
"Why are they so far apart? What happened? Who did this to you?"
"Uh...I don't...I don't think there's anything wrong with them"-
"You need length for a long face. You want a long face or a round face?!"
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"Angelina Jolie...does she have a round face or a long face?"
"....a long face?"
"THATS RIGHT A LONG FACE. We have to fix this."
I ended the evening with a bottle of wine and absolutely no shame, hopefully you'll understand why. I'm also never going back. I can't even bring myself to look at the situation she left me with and it's been three days.
Let's pretend I never told you all of that. On a more serious note I'm really trying to prep myself (more than just my bowel... GROSS) for my surgery on Tuesday and I'm kind of a mess. I'm fully aware it's not a big deal. I get to go home for a week, I like to sleep and wear pajamas...I dunno. Just nervous. They told me no food or drink after midnight monday so what kind of Jack and Coke in injection form can someone get me? Heroin? Black tar you say? Well, if that's all you have.
Alright, the Academy Awards are on and I'm a sucker for the opportunity to feel bad about myself and my lack of places to wear pretty dresses. Will someone please throw a black tie affair for the love of God?! Even if it's bowling. I'll go to bowling in Vera Wang! I will!
sorry, i'm tired and obviously less entertaining and interesting because of it. nightnight.
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