I wish to God that I could post one of the pictures I took of my students today.
Apparently there's this like, unspoken craptastic rule where you don't post pictures of other people's small children on the internet without their permission.
Therefore you will just have to imagine the shot I got of one five year old boy sitting upside down on the classroom bowl chair during silent reading today. There are like, sixteen other kids peering at his face while my coworker is using our first aid kit tweezers. on his nose.
TO REMOVE THE LEGO HE PUT UP THERE.
Oh yeah, this actually happens. Like not just in movies on the Disney Channel. But in my life. Apparently, more than once, albeit the last time it was a raisin but still. I can only imagine the number of times it will happen again. What creative objects kids will think "this would go GREAT in my nose" are in my future? Magic Eight Ball, BRING IT ON.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Confessions of a Shopaholic
And I buckled. I came across this little gem on the internet early this morning and since I was still in a sleeping-pill-induced-coma-like-did-i-really-just-have-a-dream-about-scott-baio-and-a-peacock kind of state, I saw this dress and was all "Oh sweet Jesus, how did I live without this before?"
You know what the problem with women and shopping is, don't you? It's the daydream. The point where you come across a beautiful piece of fabric or great heel and before you can say "cease and desist spontaneous combustion" your mind has wandered to the perfect event to wear that exact thing. Like this dress. I saw it and said to myself,
"That would be the perfect thing to wear in Tokyo. Like, if I were there with my husband(HA) and had my long hair (which I don't have) pinned up all messily and was sporting some really great low heeled boots (which I also don't have) and we sipped saki (which I hate) from the balcony of our incredibly expensive hotel right before we went out for sushi and karaoke with his business partners. I have to have this, clearly."
So if, in fact, you come across me in the near future wearing this dress trying to awkwardly act like I bought it specifically for the bat mitzvah we're attending together please do us both a huge favor. Bid me a friendly "konichiwa" and be on your way. The dream is always better than the reality.
You know what the problem with women and shopping is, don't you? It's the daydream. The point where you come across a beautiful piece of fabric or great heel and before you can say "cease and desist spontaneous combustion" your mind has wandered to the perfect event to wear that exact thing. Like this dress. I saw it and said to myself,
"That would be the perfect thing to wear in Tokyo. Like, if I were there with my husband(HA) and had my long hair (which I don't have) pinned up all messily and was sporting some really great low heeled boots (which I also don't have) and we sipped saki (which I hate) from the balcony of our incredibly expensive hotel right before we went out for sushi and karaoke with his business partners. I have to have this, clearly."
So if, in fact, you come across me in the near future wearing this dress trying to awkwardly act like I bought it specifically for the bat mitzvah we're attending together please do us both a huge favor. Bid me a friendly "konichiwa" and be on your way. The dream is always better than the reality.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I AM your Dojo Master
Today we took fifteen kids to martial arts class as a field trip for our summer camp.
Which means that someone...SOMEHOW SOMEONE felt it was a wise idea to load fifteen kids into a bus and trek them into downtown Rochester for one hour to learn how to kick and punch and yell "YAHHHHHH" like barbarians over and over and over again just so we could load them back into the bus and head back to school.
You know, so I could say things over and over the rest of the afternoon like "please don't kick your neighbor during silent reading" and "I don't care if you're trying to break that block of wood with your miniscule fingers, sit down" or my personal favorite
"You cannot karate chop someone else's ass crack, now you get a time out". In more or less words.
Exhausted. Hiya!
Which means that someone...SOMEHOW SOMEONE felt it was a wise idea to load fifteen kids into a bus and trek them into downtown Rochester for one hour to learn how to kick and punch and yell "YAHHHHHH" like barbarians over and over and over again just so we could load them back into the bus and head back to school.
You know, so I could say things over and over the rest of the afternoon like "please don't kick your neighbor during silent reading" and "I don't care if you're trying to break that block of wood with your miniscule fingers, sit down" or my personal favorite
"You cannot karate chop someone else's ass crack, now you get a time out". In more or less words.
Exhausted. Hiya!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I've been angered...
and it's time to bring the wrath. It was like my brain imploded this evening with things I've seen on my useless night time tv watching and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Talking Guinea Pig Movie: Are you KIDDING ME? I mean, I come from a family where everyone went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks the movie and I cannot, CANNOT, fathom who put millions of dollars into graphics and high pitched squeaky voices to do that travesty ALL OVER AGAIN. I just saw the commercial where they all chant together "poop in his hand, poop in his hand!" and I was angered on so many different levels. Now, I will take my hatred for this movie out on innocent family guinea pigs. Hide your pets, Ashley is coming to take them out of their adorable, miserable existences. Just like this poor bastard:
My Email shit the bed: Like, twenty minutes ago for absolutely no reason.
All of the sudden it's like "oh you want to reply to that person? Thanks but no thanks, try again later. What? You have an assignment due TODAY before midnight that relies on sending via email? You'll pull out every hair on your head in frustration to get this done? You're currently screaming out 'WHY ME HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN' over and over again like a lunatic while your cat buries itself further into the abyss of your covers so that all you'll be left with is a six pound pile of fur under there before the night is through to get all up in your toes while you sleep, all because I'm not working? It really is a shame. TRY AGAIN LATER."
All of my socks are missing: Just, all of them. Up and fucking left. Grew feet with socks of their own, took one look at the miniscule, child like dresser drawer I've been keeping them in ever since I moved back into my old room...the same dresser I've had SINCE I WAS BORN...and were like "wow this sucks, I'm going to go take up residence somewhere else...hey, how's the dogs stomach looking these days?" and my feet are freezing. yes, it is july but i LOVE sleeping in socks. More importantly, I love knowing where my shit is. Do you have my socks? If you do, I suggest you run because I will hunt you down, i will take them back. Best hide your guinea pig with you, wherever you go.
ABC Family and their incessant need to be retarded:
Who the hell is working for the chumps on this tv station? Seriously, they got together and were all "hey what are some crappy teen movies from nine years ago? How about an even worse teen movie from only three years ago? Let's make tv shows out of them!" Everytime I turn on the tv I'm blinded by terrible acting on '10 Things I Hate About You' the show SANS HEATH LEDGER (is that even legal?) or the show with the gymnasts. The gymnastics movie was TERRIBLE. AWFUL. I can't even describe how bad it was. And now, it's on once a week right after that OTHER terrible show, Secret Life of An American Teenager where the title is too f'ing long and it's a total rip off of Juno without actually being funny at all. The only good thing about that show is the main character's bangs, they're actually quite adorable, but other than that it's crap. Complete crap. I mean she named her baby 'John'. What sixteen year old do you know is going to have a baby in high school and decide "John" is the best choice for him? If my sister had a baby tomorrow, even with my mother screaming down her neck about how she's completely ruined everyone else's lives ever for the duration of eternity, she would still muster up the creativity enough to name him Rainn Patrick Brigadoon. Because she is SIXTEEN. THAT'S WHAT A NORMAL SIXTEEN YEAR OLD WOULD DO.
Lauren Conrad's crapasaurusrex of a book hitting the Best Seller List:
I can't even touch this one. I want to. TRUST ME I am reaching out with my teeth and claws ready to tear this sucker apart and yet something in the back of my mind tells me to stop. I have a feeling unleashing the anger I have for this one would be like when the electric fences stopped working in Jurassic Park. Instead, just picture that scene with those adorable, tiny, unsuspecting kitten like dinosaurs screwing with Newman in that film and he's finally trusting them and then they open their horrendous mouthes and out comes rancid poison that burns the flesh from his entire body and then they devour him. That's me and Newman is Lauren Conrad and her book.
I feel better. Mildly. Kind of. My email still wont work and there is still crap on television but I also feel like I brought you down a little bit with me. And I'm cool with that.
Talking Guinea Pig Movie: Are you KIDDING ME? I mean, I come from a family where everyone went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks the movie and I cannot, CANNOT, fathom who put millions of dollars into graphics and high pitched squeaky voices to do that travesty ALL OVER AGAIN. I just saw the commercial where they all chant together "poop in his hand, poop in his hand!" and I was angered on so many different levels. Now, I will take my hatred for this movie out on innocent family guinea pigs. Hide your pets, Ashley is coming to take them out of their adorable, miserable existences. Just like this poor bastard:
My Email shit the bed: Like, twenty minutes ago for absolutely no reason.
All of the sudden it's like "oh you want to reply to that person? Thanks but no thanks, try again later. What? You have an assignment due TODAY before midnight that relies on sending via email? You'll pull out every hair on your head in frustration to get this done? You're currently screaming out 'WHY ME HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN' over and over again like a lunatic while your cat buries itself further into the abyss of your covers so that all you'll be left with is a six pound pile of fur under there before the night is through to get all up in your toes while you sleep, all because I'm not working? It really is a shame. TRY AGAIN LATER."
All of my socks are missing: Just, all of them. Up and fucking left. Grew feet with socks of their own, took one look at the miniscule, child like dresser drawer I've been keeping them in ever since I moved back into my old room...the same dresser I've had SINCE I WAS BORN...and were like "wow this sucks, I'm going to go take up residence somewhere else...hey, how's the dogs stomach looking these days?" and my feet are freezing. yes, it is july but i LOVE sleeping in socks. More importantly, I love knowing where my shit is. Do you have my socks? If you do, I suggest you run because I will hunt you down, i will take them back. Best hide your guinea pig with you, wherever you go.
ABC Family and their incessant need to be retarded:
Who the hell is working for the chumps on this tv station? Seriously, they got together and were all "hey what are some crappy teen movies from nine years ago? How about an even worse teen movie from only three years ago? Let's make tv shows out of them!" Everytime I turn on the tv I'm blinded by terrible acting on '10 Things I Hate About You' the show SANS HEATH LEDGER (is that even legal?) or the show with the gymnasts. The gymnastics movie was TERRIBLE. AWFUL. I can't even describe how bad it was. And now, it's on once a week right after that OTHER terrible show, Secret Life of An American Teenager where the title is too f'ing long and it's a total rip off of Juno without actually being funny at all. The only good thing about that show is the main character's bangs, they're actually quite adorable, but other than that it's crap. Complete crap. I mean she named her baby 'John'. What sixteen year old do you know is going to have a baby in high school and decide "John" is the best choice for him? If my sister had a baby tomorrow, even with my mother screaming down her neck about how she's completely ruined everyone else's lives ever for the duration of eternity, she would still muster up the creativity enough to name him Rainn Patrick Brigadoon. Because she is SIXTEEN. THAT'S WHAT A NORMAL SIXTEEN YEAR OLD WOULD DO.
Lauren Conrad's crapasaurusrex of a book hitting the Best Seller List:
I can't even touch this one. I want to. TRUST ME I am reaching out with my teeth and claws ready to tear this sucker apart and yet something in the back of my mind tells me to stop. I have a feeling unleashing the anger I have for this one would be like when the electric fences stopped working in Jurassic Park. Instead, just picture that scene with those adorable, tiny, unsuspecting kitten like dinosaurs screwing with Newman in that film and he's finally trusting them and then they open their horrendous mouthes and out comes rancid poison that burns the flesh from his entire body and then they devour him. That's me and Newman is Lauren Conrad and her book.
I feel better. Mildly. Kind of. My email still wont work and there is still crap on television but I also feel like I brought you down a little bit with me. And I'm cool with that.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Straight from my Inbox:
Kelley and I have been talking recently about a trip to Europe. Where and when we're not really sure but there are a ton of things we'd like to see and do and we've been shooting eachother the occasional 'Omg can we do THIS in Italy?' texts and emails throughout the week that keep us constantly pumped up, Arnold style. It wasn't until I read the following email from Kel that I realized how serious she is about going. See if you can figure out what she's most excited for:
If I'm not mistaken she wants European men and food SOON. Honestly, I can't argue with her. I would die to see all of these things with as many of my friends as I could find. Please locate your passports pronto and let me know if the European Man and Food hunt is on your agenda for 2009-10. And if not, no worries. More wine and cheese for us.
The story behind Kelley needing sturdier sinks to follow soon.
There is NO ONE ON THIS PLANET I would rather ride a tandem bike in France with while chanting "je voudrais le frommage, et beacoup de vin, s'il vous plait!!" Versailles?? Hello!!
Can you imagine us in Italy....with our dark hair and overall loveliness....the men will fawn, we will marry and move there and eat pasta all day long.
Then how about Spain? Men in tight pants and short jackets encouraging angered bulls to charge them! HOT! (note to self: look for sturdy sinks).
Prague? Sophistication, classiness, adorable outfits. I'm in heart.
We could drop in on Vienna and Salzburg and pay omage (sp?) to Julie Andrews and the Sound of Music, charming little Austrian towns that we could EASILY grace with our presence.
How do you feel about Portugal? Kind of wanted to see it ever since the adorable girl in Love Actually said "just in cases". Agh.
Switzerland? They specialize in chocolate and fondue. CHOCOLATE AND MELTED CHEESE. I rest my case for reasons to visit.
This WILL happen...it's just a matter of when. I like your idea to use a travel agent as well...i'm looking at the EuroTrain info and not gonna lie...kind of confusing. It would be a huge comfort to have someone tell me the deal. Love it. Let's chat more about this plan.
I love you like fat kids love cake.
Love,
Me
Kelley Greeley | Senior Business Analyst | Electronics ||Target.com |33 S 6th St Minneapolis, MN 55402
If I'm not mistaken she wants European men and food SOON. Honestly, I can't argue with her. I would die to see all of these things with as many of my friends as I could find. Please locate your passports pronto and let me know if the European Man and Food hunt is on your agenda for 2009-10. And if not, no worries. More wine and cheese for us.
The story behind Kelley needing sturdier sinks to follow soon.
Monday, July 06, 2009
Things That Make No Sense In My life List # 102
I was getting ready for bed this evening. (Shut yo mouth, I know it's only 9pm but some of us have belonged to the Early Bird Special since the ripe age of twelve and a half. It is my nature to sleep hard and as early as possible at the end of the day)
Ugh, digressing. Back to where I was. Oh, that's right. How flaming ridiculous my bedtime routine is. For those of you who really don't care what it is I do before getting into bed at night, please move along to the next totally awesome blog on your list and skip this entry. For those of you who find yourselves lying upside down on your comforter with your feet on the wall in order to get truly comfortable before bedtime, please read on. We are kindred spirits.
1.Please join me in the Bathroom: Because everyone else in my family does. Heaven forbid I should try and read the back of a shampoo bottle in there while going because I was bugged TWICE this evening in a thirty second period. "I need in! Where are the q-tips? Is Bridgette in there?!" Unfortunately, more times than not the dog IS in there with me at any given time but that's besides the point. When I'm not fighting for privacy I'm tinkling not once but as many as three times because I have such an unsettling anger for getting up in the middle of the night to go I will GUARANTEE that will not be happening by trying several times. I wash my face (cheat style, with a warm rag instead of a big sudsy mess in the sink), take my contacts out before finding my glasses so I'm left searching for at least ten minutes blindly and put on all those wonderfully girly topical ointments that do absolutely nothing for my complexion. Notice I didn't say brush my teeth?! BECAUSE I DON'T. It's not that I don't care about personal hygeine (or how you spell it) but that toothpaste keeps me up. I cannot, cannot, CANNOT relax with the taste of toothpaste in my mouth. Don't judge me.
2. Load my bed with the following: Whichever three books are on my reading rotation, my latest onslaught of magazines from the mail followed by my ACTUAL mail to be paid/trashed/hidden and forgotten until an important due date has already passed. I also need four pillows for optimal sitting comfort, my laptop, my phone, my remote control, one thing of chapstick, a headband to be taken on and off several times due to lack of comfort/hair in the face ratio problems and a pen. What actually gets looked at: My laptop and my remote control. What gets slept on and leaves interesting ink marks on my face for the morning? Everything else of course.
3. I get comfortable: Apparently this means turning on the television to whatever awful movie I can find and immediately muting it to be ignored for the rest of the evening. A perfect example of electric waste and yet I refuse to quit. It's like I MUST HAVE Beethoven's 2nd (no, no, nothing as classy as the first installment) playing without sound in the background to be completely comfortable. I also found out that I cannot fall asleep without setting the sleep timer for five minutes as I'm laying there. Can I fall asleep with the tv on? Heavens no. Would five minutes even be long enough to GET to sleep? Of course not. However, this is just the same type of crap reason I have for having to have the closet door shut while I sleep. Will the world implode if it's open? In my mind: Yes. You just don't fuck with some quirks.
I thought about taking a picture of my bed mid-nighttime ritual but decided against it. It's creepy enough sharing my routine and the fact that I don't brush with you. Some aspects of life are just sacred.
Back to Beethoven's 2nd.
Ugh, digressing. Back to where I was. Oh, that's right. How flaming ridiculous my bedtime routine is. For those of you who really don't care what it is I do before getting into bed at night, please move along to the next totally awesome blog on your list and skip this entry. For those of you who find yourselves lying upside down on your comforter with your feet on the wall in order to get truly comfortable before bedtime, please read on. We are kindred spirits.
1.Please join me in the Bathroom: Because everyone else in my family does. Heaven forbid I should try and read the back of a shampoo bottle in there while going because I was bugged TWICE this evening in a thirty second period. "I need in! Where are the q-tips? Is Bridgette in there?!" Unfortunately, more times than not the dog IS in there with me at any given time but that's besides the point. When I'm not fighting for privacy I'm tinkling not once but as many as three times because I have such an unsettling anger for getting up in the middle of the night to go I will GUARANTEE that will not be happening by trying several times. I wash my face (cheat style, with a warm rag instead of a big sudsy mess in the sink), take my contacts out before finding my glasses so I'm left searching for at least ten minutes blindly and put on all those wonderfully girly topical ointments that do absolutely nothing for my complexion. Notice I didn't say brush my teeth?! BECAUSE I DON'T. It's not that I don't care about personal hygeine (or how you spell it) but that toothpaste keeps me up. I cannot, cannot, CANNOT relax with the taste of toothpaste in my mouth. Don't judge me.
2. Load my bed with the following: Whichever three books are on my reading rotation, my latest onslaught of magazines from the mail followed by my ACTUAL mail to be paid/trashed/hidden and forgotten until an important due date has already passed. I also need four pillows for optimal sitting comfort, my laptop, my phone, my remote control, one thing of chapstick, a headband to be taken on and off several times due to lack of comfort/hair in the face ratio problems and a pen. What actually gets looked at: My laptop and my remote control. What gets slept on and leaves interesting ink marks on my face for the morning? Everything else of course.
3. I get comfortable: Apparently this means turning on the television to whatever awful movie I can find and immediately muting it to be ignored for the rest of the evening. A perfect example of electric waste and yet I refuse to quit. It's like I MUST HAVE Beethoven's 2nd (no, no, nothing as classy as the first installment) playing without sound in the background to be completely comfortable. I also found out that I cannot fall asleep without setting the sleep timer for five minutes as I'm laying there. Can I fall asleep with the tv on? Heavens no. Would five minutes even be long enough to GET to sleep? Of course not. However, this is just the same type of crap reason I have for having to have the closet door shut while I sleep. Will the world implode if it's open? In my mind: Yes. You just don't fuck with some quirks.
I thought about taking a picture of my bed mid-nighttime ritual but decided against it. It's creepy enough sharing my routine and the fact that I don't brush with you. Some aspects of life are just sacred.
Back to Beethoven's 2nd.