I was getting ready for bed this evening. (Shut yo mouth, I know it's only 9pm but some of us have belonged to the Early Bird Special since the ripe age of twelve and a half. It is my nature to sleep hard and as early as possible at the end of the day)
Ugh, digressing. Back to where I was. Oh, that's right. How flaming ridiculous my bedtime routine is. For those of you who really don't care what it is I do before getting into bed at night, please move along to the next totally awesome blog on your list and skip this entry. For those of you who find yourselves lying upside down on your comforter with your feet on the wall in order to get truly comfortable before bedtime, please read on. We are kindred spirits.
1.Please join me in the Bathroom: Because everyone else in my family does. Heaven forbid I should try and read the back of a shampoo bottle in there while going because I was bugged TWICE this evening in a thirty second period. "I need in! Where are the q-tips? Is Bridgette in there?!" Unfortunately, more times than not the dog IS in there with me at any given time but that's besides the point. When I'm not fighting for privacy I'm tinkling not once but as many as three times because I have such an unsettling anger for getting up in the middle of the night to go I will GUARANTEE that will not be happening by trying several times. I wash my face (cheat style, with a warm rag instead of a big sudsy mess in the sink), take my contacts out before finding my glasses so I'm left searching for at least ten minutes blindly and put on all those wonderfully girly topical ointments that do absolutely nothing for my complexion. Notice I didn't say brush my teeth?! BECAUSE I DON'T. It's not that I don't care about personal hygeine (or how you spell it) but that toothpaste keeps me up. I cannot, cannot, CANNOT relax with the taste of toothpaste in my mouth. Don't judge me.
2. Load my bed with the following: Whichever three books are on my reading rotation, my latest onslaught of magazines from the mail followed by my ACTUAL mail to be paid/trashed/hidden and forgotten until an important due date has already passed. I also need four pillows for optimal sitting comfort, my laptop, my phone, my remote control, one thing of chapstick, a headband to be taken on and off several times due to lack of comfort/hair in the face ratio problems and a pen. What actually gets looked at: My laptop and my remote control. What gets slept on and leaves interesting ink marks on my face for the morning? Everything else of course.
3. I get comfortable: Apparently this means turning on the television to whatever awful movie I can find and immediately muting it to be ignored for the rest of the evening. A perfect example of electric waste and yet I refuse to quit. It's like I MUST HAVE Beethoven's 2nd (no, no, nothing as classy as the first installment) playing without sound in the background to be completely comfortable. I also found out that I cannot fall asleep without setting the sleep timer for five minutes as I'm laying there. Can I fall asleep with the tv on? Heavens no. Would five minutes even be long enough to GET to sleep? Of course not. However, this is just the same type of crap reason I have for having to have the closet door shut while I sleep. Will the world implode if it's open? In my mind: Yes. You just don't fuck with some quirks.
I thought about taking a picture of my bed mid-nighttime ritual but decided against it. It's creepy enough sharing my routine and the fact that I don't brush with you. Some aspects of life are just sacred.
Back to Beethoven's 2nd.
