Talking Guinea Pig Movie: Are you KIDDING ME? I mean, I come from a family where everyone went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks the movie and I cannot, CANNOT, fathom who put millions of dollars into graphics and high pitched squeaky voices to do that travesty ALL OVER AGAIN. I just saw the commercial where they all chant together "poop in his hand, poop in his hand!" and I was angered on so many different levels. Now, I will take my hatred for this movie out on innocent family guinea pigs. Hide your pets, Ashley is coming to take them out of their adorable, miserable existences. Just like this poor bastard:
My Email shit the bed: Like, twenty minutes ago for absolutely no reason.
All of the sudden it's like "oh you want to reply to that person? Thanks but no thanks, try again later. What? You have an assignment due TODAY before midnight that relies on sending via email? You'll pull out every hair on your head in frustration to get this done? You're currently screaming out 'WHY ME HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN' over and over again like a lunatic while your cat buries itself further into the abyss of your covers so that all you'll be left with is a six pound pile of fur under there before the night is through to get all up in your toes while you sleep, all because I'm not working? It really is a shame. TRY AGAIN LATER."
All of my socks are missing: Just, all of them. Up and fucking left. Grew feet with socks of their own, took one look at the miniscule, child like dresser drawer I've been keeping them in ever since I moved back into my old room...the same dresser I've had SINCE I WAS BORN...and were like "wow this sucks, I'm going to go take up residence somewhere else...hey, how's the dogs stomach looking these days?" and my feet are freezing. yes, it is july but i LOVE sleeping in socks. More importantly, I love knowing where my shit is. Do you have my socks? If you do, I suggest you run because I will hunt you down, i will take them back. Best hide your guinea pig with you, wherever you go.
ABC Family and their incessant need to be retarded:
Who the hell is working for the chumps on this tv station? Seriously, they got together and were all "hey what are some crappy teen movies from nine years ago? How about an even worse teen movie from only three years ago? Let's make tv shows out of them!" Everytime I turn on the tv I'm blinded by terrible acting on '10 Things I Hate About You' the show SANS HEATH LEDGER (is that even legal?) or the show with the gymnasts. The gymnastics movie was TERRIBLE. AWFUL. I can't even describe how bad it was. And now, it's on once a week right after that OTHER terrible show, Secret Life of An American Teenager where the title is too f'ing long and it's a total rip off of Juno without actually being funny at all. The only good thing about that show is the main character's bangs, they're actually quite adorable, but other than that it's crap. Complete crap. I mean she named her baby 'John'. What sixteen year old do you know is going to have a baby in high school and decide "John" is the best choice for him? If my sister had a baby tomorrow, even with my mother screaming down her neck about how she's completely ruined everyone else's lives ever for the duration of eternity, she would still muster up the creativity enough to name him Rainn Patrick Brigadoon. Because she is SIXTEEN. THAT'S WHAT A NORMAL SIXTEEN YEAR OLD WOULD DO.
Lauren Conrad's crapasaurusrex of a book hitting the Best Seller List:
I can't even touch this one. I want to. TRUST ME I am reaching out with my teeth and claws ready to tear this sucker apart and yet something in the back of my mind tells me to stop. I have a feeling unleashing the anger I have for this one would be like when the electric fences stopped working in Jurassic Park. Instead, just picture that scene with those adorable, tiny, unsuspecting kitten like dinosaurs screwing with Newman in that film and he's finally trusting them and then they open their horrendous mouthes and out comes rancid poison that burns the flesh from his entire body and then they devour him. That's me and Newman is Lauren Conrad and her book.
I feel better. Mildly. Kind of. My email still wont work and there is still crap on television but I also feel like I brought you down a little bit with me. And I'm cool with that.
