Denial

Earlier this morning my sister and I had a knock down, drag out fight against my brother. Something essentially about him being insensitive and us being over sensitive and it isn't a great mix in my household. The conversation, to top it off and really ADD to the super sensitive portion was my mother reaffirming in me, 'you're just upset because you're premenstrual' and she said the world "premenstrual" all covertly. Secret like. Like old ladies do when they ask for the feminine products at Target. Hushed voices and shame.

WOMAN I AM NOT PREMENSTRUAL.

I've always hated when women were characterized by their potentiality of menstruation. Like, yes, I might be going through that or near that or have breached into that realm of possibility but that doesn't actually make you any less of an asshole. You're still an asshole. Tomorrow or the next day or the next day when I am NOT premenstrual I will look at what you did and say "Yup. Confirmed. Ass-holish." Menstruation does not impair my ability to determine if you suck.

In a fit of rage after said "premenstrual" comment I left the house to rent a movie and hit Walmart for flashcards (for my Spanish lessons. More on that later. Or...manana? Crap. Spanish lessons are not going well) when I had the sudden urge for Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips.

Mind you, I am not a chip person. I've never bought them while grocery shopping. I don't look for them at lunch, I don't buy them at gas stations for movies and I always opt for the apple at Panera instead of the chips. I am not a chip-chick. But today, I wanted some. No, needed some. And lo and behold, I could not find the chip aisle to save my life. Why must Walmart suddenly start selling pickles in bulk but hide their chips like covert ops to stalk Obama?

So, picture me if you will, with my post-workout clothes on and a bag of Weed 'N Feed in one arm for my mother, angrily chomping at the bit into the phone with Scott over the missing chip aisle. Where did they PUT it? Why would they HIDE it? Doesn't anyone care about me and my OVERLY SENSITIVE FEELINGS AND NEEDS, YOU BUNCH OF ASSHOLES?? when I suddenly stumble upon it. In fact, I stumble upon MULTIPLE chip aisles and while Lays has recently come out with a brand of "Garden Tomato and Basil" chip as well as "Carolina Barbeque" they don't have a single Salt and Vinegar. ANYWHERE. AT ALL.

Fuming, I go home, Spanish Flashcards in hand, slam the Weed 'N Feed on the table and scoop the mail awaiting me. A letter from one of the many schools I applied at that says AND I QUOTE:

Dear Ashley,

Thank-you for applying for our high school English position. We hired a qualified teacher. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Sally M. Crowser


FIRST OF ALL, Sally M. Crowser: Thank you is not hyphenated. Secondly, thank God you conned your way into a Principal position at some podunk school in Wyoming where you obviously had to sleep your way to the top because obviously you didn't get there with your WRITING SKILLS. "We hired a qualified teacher"??? Fantastic! I needed to know that about as much as I needed to know if you scratched your ass on Tuesday, which I say to my mother all through pursed lips and a handful of the Hot Wing flavored Pretzels I had to settle for instead of my blessed chips.

That's right. Picture me now tearing through a bag of equally awful for you junk food, letter o'hate clenched in my fist.

Was it me just an hour ago trying to convince her I wasn't overly sensitive?
Because I'm not. Sally M. Crowser, Walmart and Lays are just a bunch of assholes.