This Is What Jesus Had In Mind

Early on Easter morning I caught my mother elbow deep in the shades of our living room lamps, completely stricken faced, as I meandered downstairs to find her hiding the eggs and she holla'ed at me "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" because...apparently that's her natural reaction to being caught being the Easter Bunny. I turned around then, because I know when I'm not wanted! Let all of our labs eat those GD eggs! Get ready for Stink House 'o' Eggs 2010, folks, because the Easter Bunny is PISSED AND HAS NO PEOPLE SKILLS EARLY IN THE MORNING.

I then proceeded to go upstairs where my sister accosted me in the hallway with the following blurb of useless information:

"Have you ever SEEN this movie? He just came up out of the water and ate him and she was all VERY FUNNY GRIFFIN but she didn't KNOOOWWWWW...she didn't KKKNNNOOOWWW ASH that it had eaten him and then he came up out of the water and it was the SCARIEST THING EEEEVVVEEEERRRRRRR!!!!" to which I had to push her aside on my way to the bathroom because, yes, I've seen Anaconda before. No, it's not as scary as you're making it seem this very early Easter morning. No, I will not watch it with you. Please stop shouting at me down the hallway every time someone becomes dismembered in the water.
Words of Wisdom: They ALL become dismembered in the water, even in the one where Jennifer Lopez stars. Go away, go away, go away.

I come out of the bathroom a few minutes later with my copy of Ahab's Wife because there is a terrible commotion in the hallway that sounds like, roughly, forty elephants fighting over the biggest bath towel and I realize I'm not going to get any quality reading done right then. I come out to find Bridgette, the worst dog in the history of the world, tap dancing her way around a torture game with the cats, both of which are hovering behind the laundry basket with faces of sheer terror as my mother stands at the bottom of the steps in all of her angry Easter Bunny glory shout-whispering to "GETYOURASSDOWNHERE...I swear, I'm re-homing you this week. Take her picture, Ash, and PUT IT ON CRAIG'S LIST!"

(Did I, or did I NOT tell you she was the happiest damn Easter Bunny in Sterling Heights?)

We get the dog downstairs. I coax both cats out of the laundry. My sister comes out one last time to tell me how truly scary and horrific Anaconda REALLY is, I crawl back into bed and vow never to come out again.

Until it's time to find those damn eggs. I have the upper hand and am going straight for the lamp shades before I feed all of my findings to the dogs for some quality dog smells over the next several hours and yell "How do you like THEM APPLES, Easta Bunnayyyyy?!?" at my mother before running for my life.

Just another quality Easter at the Earp House. I wouldn't trade it for the world.