And You Thought I Was Abducted

Fear not! I'm alive. I'm just recently employed, which is the same thing as dying a little bit on the inside, dragging your rotten soul to bed every night and muttering the words "Having a job is dumb". Needless to say, blogging about the new job was a little off the "To Do" list.

ALSO- every time I open my computer my McAfee something or other keeps flashing little red signs like "You are not fully protected" or "Please restart and download these nine items that will take approximately thirty six hours" or my favorite, "PLEASE STOP CLICKING ON THINGS YOU'RE BUSTING ME." It makes even internet browsing about my favorite celebrities almost not worth it.
I said almost though. No way was I going to miss that whole "Lindsay Lohan is broke, crazy and suing e-trade" thing. NO. WAY.

Yes, yes, I'm employed. You know what's funny? I was so amped up to tell the world. You know, be all "CHECK ME OUT, WORKING WORLD. I GOT MY INVITATION. I HAVE A SEAT AT THE COOL PEOPLE TABLE. I'M NOT LONGER A HOBO." Except, I began my job again at a private daycare full time. So while I can't give away it's name or the children I work with , or the co-workers...I can't tell you what city it's in or even give any indication that I work with children at all because that kind of thing only ends in arrest warrants and unemployment, I can tell you that I'm tired.

Yep. Welcome to my Employment Blog. Today is tired. Yesterday is tired. Tomorrow is Jeans Friday to be followed by more tired.

That doesn't mean it's not entertaining. Everyday is an adventure. Actually, every day is six thousand mini adventures of sweating my ass off followed by about thirty seconds of "hey...no one's crying" relief until it begins again.

Take going for a walk for example. With six munchkins and one helper. That's half a dozen tiny bodies running at top speed around the classroom while you wrangle them while restraining to just reach out and grab one as it passes you by because things fall off that way. Heads due to whiplash and arms when they become desocketed. So you have to chase after them too just so once you catch up with them in this fantastic game of "you can't catch me hahahahaha" they immediately realize the game has not ended in their favor and so the next best option is to scream like the world is ending. Like I really did just remove an arm from their socket AND inform them "you're not as cute as you thought you were."

So you do this until you have all of them and you jam them into hats and gloves and coats. This means that I said the sentence 'Where did you put your hat NOW?' 8,349 times. I buckled the ones that resisted buckling with all their might (usually all six) and now everyone is screaming and crying and choking on their own snot while I dance in front of the buggy LIKE A MORON saying stupid shit like "Who's ready for a walk? Whooo's ready for a walk?" to the tune of Yankee Doodle and they're all like "Fuck your walk, I'm hot in this buggy and you're satan. Are YOU ready for this walk?"

So you push them out the door (unsuccessfully for at least twelve minutes because the buggy is too wide), get down the sidewalk (narrowly balancing on only two side wheels because six kids in a buggy is F'ing heavy) and make it a whole quarter of a mile away.

And then, if you're me, your wheel falls off. That's right. Six toddlers in a six kid buggy like this one can apparently lose a wheel at any moment.

If you're curious what that moment is like it's kind of like one deranged woman singing The Wheels On The Bus at the top of her lungs while pushing a freakshow buggy down a sidewalk (four kids are still crying, two have lost their hats on the way and one is somehow asleep suddenly which is really going to screw up lunch) and you hear this weird clanging noise and suddenly you've tripped over the rubber part of the tire you didn't know had separated itself from the rest of the vehicle until you've face planted into the handle and you scream out in shock and horror and pain and "Oh MAN, Jesus really doesn't care for me" and in response everyone you're with starts SCREAMING as an accompaniment because it's just like helping, right? And you stand on this sidewalk and hold the buggy up off of it's one wheel while everyone is in tears and you look to the school a whole quarter of a mile away and you say to yourself

"I wish I was a hobo."