My Picks

Scott and I had a real humdinger of an argument last night on the phone. Well, not really. He said that essentially he would have George Clooney's babies if given the chance and I was like, "Ew. Stop ta-ta-talkin' that blah blah blah" which, OBVIOUSLY, led us to the Oscars.

Or something like that. I can't really remember, I was tired and only half paying attention because reruns of Big Love were showing. Sorry Scott.

ANYWAY, he suggested that I do a post about my picks for the Oscars this year in anticipation of the airing on March 7th and when I finally got around to actually listening to the words coming out of his mouth, I was all "You're a Clooney lovin' GENIUS there, Scott!" and thought I'd give my fortune-telling skills a try.

(I don't know if you know this, but I am such a fortune-teller. I think everyone in my family has something special about them that they utilize at different times of need. My sister has what I like to call "Sleepthroughititis" and my mom is fantastic at the game "What is that smell coming from the carpet?". What can I say? Us Earps are talented folk.)

AHEM. So, if you will. The nominees please:

Best Picture:
I didn't see it, but I'm going with The Hurt Locker. Scott and I were just talking last night about how every year the winner is a movie that just depresses the snot out of everybody and from what I can tell in this film, lots of running around bombing soldiers is pretty much despair at it's finest. I wish it were An Education, but alas, soldiers win.

Best Director:
I hope it's Lee Daniels for Precious. In fact, I hope the entire Precious cast just can't get off the stage the entire night due to the fact that they're cleaning out shop with all their wins. However, it won't be. It's going to be Jason Reitman for Up In The Air because not just anybody can get away with bossing George Clooney around for three months at a time. It's the reason him and Brad Pitt didn't work out as a couple. They just couldn't decide who was the bitch and who was the braun.

Best Actor:
Eeeeeeehhhhh. I didn't see ANY of these guys. Well, I saw George but I really feel like he's dominating my post so far and we can't have that. Just by looking at the pictures from their films, I'm gonna go with Colin Firth. He won at the BAFTA's the other night for the same award and he was dressed like Buddy Holly the entire film A Single Man. Plus I like him. He can do a film with Amanda Bynes AND Renee Zellwegger. He's multifaceted. And a DILF.

Best Actress:
If there were a wrestling match between Gabourey Sidibe and Carey Mulligan, I would assume that Gabourey would win. Not just because of her weight bracket, but because she's scrappy and Carey Mulligan is quaintly adorable and I don't see it ending well in her favor. Therefore, Gabourey for the win!

Best Supporting Actor:
Do you remember when Woody Harrelson was on Will & Grace for a short while and he played Grace's crazy boyfriend/sex proposing fiancee? It was so odd because Beth and I were just talking about how even though he's a funny looking dude with a weird voice, he's totally coming into his own these days. Anyway, movies and tv shows are trying to convince me that this talented individual is also smokin' hot in some of the stuff he's doing, and I for one just have to say: nice work, film crews. I fell for it.

Best Supporting Actress:
I think I'm going to have to revert back to my wrestling theology for this one. While Mo'nique played a HORRIFYINGLY AWFUL mother in Precious who would occasionally beat her child with a pot(thats right...kitchenware. And I don't know if you realize this but that shit is heavy when it's coated with Teflon), Maggie Gyllenhaal was so tragically alone and heartbroken in Crazy Heart. So yes, the outset says Mo'nique for the win with a pot in one hand, but the believer in me says that Maggie comes back in the final round for a strong left hook and a hug. Maggie wins! The crowd goes wild! She's so elated that I predicted it for her, she tells her brother Jake I'm the woman he's been searching for. We meet and get married. THE END!

Best Animated Feature Film:
BOR-ing. Up.

Best Original Screenplay:
You know what's unabashedly original? Ten men from Tennessee scalpin' Nazis who spell their own names wrong. Inglorious Basterds.

Best Adapted Screenplay:
I don't even know what this means. They copied it from the book, right? Fine. An Education. Be proud you copying losers.

Best Foreign Language Film:
I'm sure there will be a winner. I just don't know who it is. Uh....let's go with....The White Ribbon. Because its title is in English and I appreciate that.

I'm putting Best Original Score and Best Original Song together:
Because this post is lengthy and I'm almost out of coffee which means that I'm already dying the slow and miserable death of the day. Best score would have to go to Sherlock Holmes because fiddling drums and such were awesome. The entire movie I paid more attention to the tune-age and less to Robert Downey's British humor that I couldn't even really tell you the ending. Something about magic or a man with a snaggle tooth. And since I'm extremely biased and Ryan Bingham's newest stalker, let's go with The Weary Kind for best song.

Remember that time that I skipped Best Documentary and Short film categories because everyone gets up during that portion of the airing anyway to get more popcorn and pee? I'm pretty awesome, huh? That's the fortune teller in me screaming out "NOBODY CARES ASH, KEEP MOVING". Thus, we will.

Best Art Direction:
Avatar. I didn't see it but I'm pretty sure Blue People on crotch rockets in the rain forest is about as original in the art department as you're gonna get.

I literally just googled the definition of Cinematography:
To figure out how I was going to begin to decide who was best at it. Apparently it's the "act of making a film." Well fuck you Google, I could have figured that out if I had known it was that simple. I almost refuse to answer this now based on that definition alone, but because I'm not a quitter and it will bug me if I don't finish, fine, I choose Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. SHUSH. I know deep down this will not win, but I'm hoping for it.

Best Costume Design:
Now THIS is where things get fun. How does one choose between Coco before Chanel for my best friend Kelley, or The Young Victoria and it's romantic ensembles for my best friend Beth? You choose Bright Star, that's how, even though can I just say that Abbie Cornish does NOT look good in that film. Like, at all. Not even a little bit. Yikes. But her clothes are killer.

Best Makeup:
Star Trek. Did you see Spock's eyebrows in that sucker? Impressive.

Oh, crap. Best Film Editing, Best Visual Effects, Best Sound Mixing and Best Sound Editing:
Avatar, Avatar, Avatar, Avatar. In that order.

If you've made it thus far, you're probably the most devoted of my fans and therefore, I will offer you a special prize like none you've seen before. Here's your chance to pick the winners. Take a look at the nominees here and post your picks in the comments section if you're just as bored as I am with life. See how we measure up. That's right. I just disguised a prize as your unwilling participation in a contest you're going to lose at.

I mean, because obviously, I'm going to win but still. This could be fun!