Pizza Smoothie

I think it's the combination of too much wine and this ginormous t-shirt I convinced myself I could sleep in comfortably last night in a fit of shedding all of my clothes and getting into bed quickly, but whatever it is I got up at a 5:30 again this morning. I mean, we could blame it on the wine hangover and my extreme thirst where I literally dreamed about water bottles with holes in the bottom, but I don't really want to go there. Going there is admitting I have a problem. I don't have a problem. I like wine and there's nothing wrong with that. QUIT CALLING MY HOUSE, AA.

So in my fit of waking up early, exchanging my outfit for a t-shirt that didn't drown me and having enough water to feed thirty seven house plants for a year, I turn on the television for some company and wouldn't you know it? NOTHING ON except really old episodes of Angel and paid programming. Sorry David Boreanaz, but I've totally seen you slay that green individual with the nose spikes more than once, I'llpassthanks.

And I'm truly getting into the groove of the Ab-swing-you-about-machine-infomercial when a PSA comes on. A man, silently, takes a piece of pizza from a box and puts it in a blender. Adds some marinara sauce from a jar. Sprinkles some mozzarella and for the finishing touch, licks his fingers and hit's PUREE.

And I'm all, "Dude, where is this going? Oh man, they're not going to show some drunk driver who had his jaw smashed in, are they, and can no longer eat solid foods? YIKES. These drunk driving messages are getting brutal, I mean I get that they made a mistake but I do NOT want to see someone without any teeth, I had a grandma once and whenever she would pop those suckers out it was horri-"

But that's not it at all. He turns off the machine, pours it in a glass and sets it on the table for a kid. With braces. Who smiles at him in appreciation.

AND DRINKS IT. HE DRINKS THE PIZZA SMOOTHIE. And the message?!?!?!?!:
"Be a Dad today."

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What. WHAT. I mean, where do I start? Because I could come out swinging with "OHMIGAWD HOW COULD HE EAT THE PIZZA SMOOTHIE?!?" but really, I'm pulled in so many different directions. Like...are they advertising being a father? Was it for sperm donations? Knock-Up-Your-Girlfriend-Today-For-Tax-Cuts at H&R Block?
Or, lastly, if it really was just a message on how to be a good dad....WHAT THE F. That is a TERRIBLE father! How about some oatmeal, huh, pops? How about a nice cold FRUIT smoothie to help those braces, or something with a banana in it for nutritional value? If my future husband (God help you, whoever you are) ever feeds my kid Pizza Smoothie for breakfast...whooo boy. And the worst part? Some poor bastard somewhere in like, Idaho (poor Idaho) just saw that commercial this morning and is now facing the possibility of a lynching from his wife because she caught him with the pizza sauce and a blender.
Ugh. Pizza Smoothie.
Still shuddering.
Blech.



gross.